Today's Nuze: February 27, 2006 

SOMEONE ALERT DALE CARDWELL

OK ... first.  Who's Dale Cardwell?  He's a sensationalist "journalist" with Atlanta's ABC television affiliate.  You've heard me talking about him over the past month or so.  He's the one who got sucked in by an Atlanta anti-airport group and did a ridiculous on-air report about all of those small airplanes that take off every day and, to paraphrase Cardwell, "the government doesn't even know where they're going!  They're not tracked by Homeland Security!"  Cardwell's report  went on to suggest that these airplanes could be loaded with explosives and flown into buildings.  Somehow during that same report Cardwell failed to mention that his station's own news helicopter takes off several times a day ... without being tracked by Homeland Security.  I guess his anti-airport handlers didn't remind him of that.

So ... why bring this up today?  The Congressional Research Service, the research agency that is charged with providing unbiased information to congressmen and senators, has published a report entitled "Securing General Aviation." [pdf]  This report looks at the limited capability of your typical general aviation aircraft and finds that the typical GA aircraft couldn't even carry the explosives that were used in the first attack on the World Trade Center in 1993.  The report says; "Thus, at least with regard to being used as a platform for conventional explosives, the threat posed by light GA aircraft is relatively small compared to trucks, which have significantly larger payload capacities." 

So, there you go.  Just as I said on the air; trucks pose a far greater threat than do the type of general aviation aircraft featured in Cardwell's report.  Oh ... and trucks pull out of garages and lots by the hundreds of thousands every single day, and the government doesn't know where they're going or what's in them!  And not tracked by Homeland Security!  Will Dale Cardwell do another sensational scare piece on the threat of these trucks?  Only, it appears, if some anti-truck group sweet-talks him into it.  Then again, trucks aren't quite as sensational as airplanes, are they?

JET THIEF GETS A DENTIST

You might remember last year the story of a 22-year-old kid who stole a private jet from an airport in Florida, took his pals on a joy ride, and then left the stolen jet at an airport near Atlanta. He's still in jail.  Just can't seem to raise the bail money.  What a crying shame that is.  His name is Daniel Wolcott, and we've finally heard from his father.  Wolcott's father is upset because he can't get dental floss in jail.  In fact, Wolcott's father is demanding the sheriff's resignation if his son doesn't get dental floss. 

No.  I'm not making this up.

Well, let's give some credit to the local Sheriff, Butch Conway.  Conway has another inmate in the Gwinnett County Jail.  His name is Bart Corbin.  Corbin is in jail for murdering his wife.  Corbin is a dentist.  So Wolcott and Corbin are now roomies! Good move, Sheriff.  As for Corbin's father ... come up with the bail money and you can get your son all the dental floss he wants!

David Darnell sends in this: I don't know if you know this or not but on "dogtags" for military people it lists Name, SSN, Blood type, and the last line is religious affiliation, and us Army guys are notorious for putting random things in that line. I've seen someone with Jedi listed as their religion, well on my dogtags my religious preference states Painful Truth.

YOU CAN BUY WHAT ON THE INTERNET?

So ... did you hear the one about the woman who walked into the convenience store and asked the clerk to warm up her penis for her in the microwave?  Wait!  This isn't a joke.  It happened, and the clerk called the cops when she saw what she thought was a severed penis in the paper towel.  It turns out the penis was a fake ... bought on the internet. [main link is safe for work, but pictures of products are show if you start clicking around; i.e. fake penii]  It turns out the fake penis is full of clean urine.  By clean, I mean there are no traces of drugs in the urine.  The woman was warming up the urine so that her boyfriend could use it in a drug test.  Just pull the fake Waldo out of your pants ... and there's your clean sample.  You just want it to be warm ... somewhere around 98 degrees.  Hence the microwave.

Can't you just put it on the dashboard of your car to bake in the sun on the way to your drug test? Why traumatize a poor convenience store clerk?

DILEMMA FOR MUSLIMS

Do Muslims get diabetes?  Can't see any reason why not.  Well ... help is on the way!  Researchers at several medical schools have discovered that there are some insulin-producing cells that come from pancreases that can reverse type 1 diabetes in primates.  Monkeys.  Now this is going to be tried on humans.  If the trials work out it will be good news for the millions of people with type 1 and 2 diabetes.

But wait!  There's a bit of a problem here.  The cells come from the pancreases of one certain animal.  Pigs.  Newborn pigs.  Mohammed certainly would not approve.  Oh well, there's always the virgins.

KATRINA WELL RUNNING DRY

We are now at the 6-month point since Hurricane Katrina struck. Hard to believe it's been that long, isn't it? A report in today's Washington Post says that two-thirds of the money donated to private charities has been spent. Just over $3 billion was raked in from the public and now barely $1 billion is left. The message of the story is that this money will have to be stretched out over several years and used to "rebuild lives" (whatever that means.)

In fact, money is the last thing communities struck by Katrina need. The government has spent and will spend tens of billions to reconstruct New Orleans and the communities affected. The private charity collected is a drop in the bucket. Besides, at what point do you look at someone affected by the hurricane and tell them they have to get back on their feet?

Do we endlessly pay to house the evacuees, 6 months after the fact? Do we pay to rebuild the house of someone who wasn't bright enough to insure their home? Is it our responsibility to rebuild the entire ninth ward in New Orleans, when by and large it was pretty much dump to being with?

Did you know that illegal aliens are swarming into New Orleans to find reconstruction work? In the meantime, many of those who are demanding even more government money are staying away .. refusing to come back home and help with the cleanup and restoration. What we're starting to see here is nothing but good old-fashioned laziness ...waiting on someone else to do for you what you should be doing for yourself.

The Katrina sob stories have run their course. Time for most of those folks to take some initiative and for the government to get out of the way.

PREDICTING HILLARY IN '08

The White House has no horse in the 2008 race. With Cheney retiring, it's wide open. But Rove was asked who he thought the Democrats would nominate. His Answer: Hillary Clinton. But he says that while she's a shoo-in for the nomination, she won't win the general election. We can only be so lucky --- we can only hope that the American voters are smart enough to turn this mean-spirited woman away.

When asked about the Republican's chances of holding onto the House and Senate, Rove actually thinks they will. He says "Republicans will keep the House, Republicans will keep the Senate. The question is, what will be the margin? Will we gain a couple of seats? Will we lose a couple of seats? Will we lose more than a couple seats? I'm frankly very optimistic."

At least somebody is.

NO MORE OLYMPICS

Well, it's all over. The Olympics have ended in Torino, Italy. TV will now return to your regularly scheduled programming. Tonight it is 24! The United States did not win the medal count, either. Germany took home 29, the United States came in second at 25. Better luck next time. The 2010 winter games will be Vancouver.

So why were these games such a bust? Well, for two reasons. One, they weren't in the United States. It sounds a bit arrogant, but the facts are the facts: when the Olympics are held here, more people in this country are going to watch. The ratings will always be higher. Second, a severe lack of star power. Who did we have to look forward to in the competition? That moron Bode Miller? That's pretty thin. Michelle Kwan being unable to skate didn't help things.

So now things are back to normal. People will go on worshiping over hyped karaoke singers on American Idol. And don't forget Jack Bauer on '24.' Because no matter how many times he's fired, Jack always gets reinstated.

REDNECK SCRAP BOOK

Let's take a little break from pictures and see what the Nuze would be like written in redneck. Redneckify your favorite site here. More in the Redneck Scrap Book.

READING ASSIGNMENTS

A few weeks ago I expressed my belief that teacher's unions were a greater long-term threat to our freedoms and prosperity than were Islamic terrorists.  A few days later I thought about my statement, and decided that It was a true representation of my feelings.  I then sat back and waited for the reaction --- and there was none!  Maybe people agree?  This writer certainly does.

Are you a hypochondriac?  Need a new disease to spice things up a bit?  How about "Alice in Wonderland Syndrome" or "Pica?"  Here's a list you can chose from.

I wonder if the Islamic terrorists who planted the bomb that injured this Marine understood his one-fingered salute as he was taken away by medics?

Things that make you go hmm: Dubai has quite a history of throwing money at politicians, including the president's very own brother.  Did that have anything to do with the ports deal?  We'll probably find out.

Germany, which was staunchly opposed to the war in Iraq, now admits that it gave intelligence about the country to the United States.  A lot of good that did.  Thanks guys!

Female teachers are being canned left and right for sleeping with their students.  An Oregon teacher has been fired for having sex with a 15-year old and a South Carolina fifth-grade teacher has been arrested for doing it with an 11-year-old.  Times sure have changed in the classroom. Oh, and check out the Oregon teacher's page on the school's website. Pay attention to her favorite memories.

Hugo Chavez is threatening to cut the United States off from its oil.  It says it could easily sell its oil to countries other than the United States.  Riiight.  Will Chavez cut off Citgo, his own government-owned oil company?  Hardly.

U.N. Ambassador John Bolton said over the weekend that the U.N. has a problem with bad management, sex and corruption.  Now we know why they need such a tall high-rise building for their headquarters.  Lots of rooms. 

Jack Kelly advances the argument that the U.A.E. is a key ally.  He even points to the recent arrests of some Islamic terrorists as proof.  It's a nice gesture from Dubai, but should we hand over control of our ports to them?

Here's some eminent domain abuse news.  Thomas Bray reports on the federal government's "back door" eminent domain, whereby they take land after it's developed.  Don't miss this one.

William F. Buckley has officially exited the Iraq war support bus.  He says the war didn't work, it's doomed to failure and it's time to throw in the towel.  Who does he blame?  The Iraqis.

Professor Mike Adams has decided to resign.  In his latest column, you can read his resignation letter.  Always controversial, never dull.

The Democrats smelled blood over the ports issue and went on the offensive against the White House.  But Robert Novak attempts to answer the question of why the Republican leadership in Congress joined in.

It has been documented that despite the cries of the left and the mainstream media, Saddam Hussein did indeed possess weapons of mass destruction.  Now there's more evidence, in the form of Saddam's audio tapes.

A Sudanese man was ordered to "marry" a goat after he was caught having sex with it.

In Arkansas, a homeless man tried to steal a sheep from a zoo by stuffing it inside a trashcan and dragging it away.

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