If you’ve read my new book “Maybe I Should Just Show Up and Go Away,” you have been (or will be,  when you get off your butt and buy the damned thing) treated to stories about:

• Killer dolphins in San Diego.
• Tarantulas all over the WTAW studios in College Station
• The magic elevator at Hartsfield Airport
• Landing with my pants around my ankles in Jekyll Island, Georgia
• Throwing perfectly good cats out of perfectly good airplanes
• Ruining Sean Hannity’s vacation plans
• Getting Rush kicked off the air in Chicago
• Belinda and the “f—ing cockroach.”
• White Persian cats and birds in chimneys
• How Royal liked to “cork the bat.”
• An SBD that causes a radio legend to lose it.
• The preacher that said “F” you!” on one memorable Sunday morning

Let’s just put it this way … you’re gonna have some fun reading the book.  But there’s a serious side too.  I explain just exactly what my job was behind the microphone every day.  I explain why liberals suck at talk radio, and just how they plan to destroy talk radio for just that reason.  You will also get some insight into the process of syndicating my radio show; including the disadvantage I suffered from being labeled a “Southern Show.”

Ahhhh … the “Southern Show” thing.

Nope --- not kidding.  The folks who syndicated my show consistently ran into problems trying to get radio stations across the country clear my show for their broadcast schedule for no other reason than the show originated in Atlanta, Georgia --- and that, as you know, is in the deep South.  Our affiliate relations people would be talking to a station in the upper Midwest, out in California, or in New England about putting my show on the air.  Along would come an affiliate relations person from another syndicator, or some consultant,  who would whisper to the operations manager or program director “You know the Boortz show is a Southern show, right?  It comes from Atlanta.  People aren’t going to listen to a talk show from the South.”

The implication, of course, was that the south was backward and ignorant, and there was no way the success that a show enjoyed in the south would transfer to more sophisticated audiences in New England, for instance.  This “It’s a Southern Show” thing is one of the primary reasons my show languished with about 240 or so stations while other shows quickly climbed into the 400-500 range.

Now think about this.  Do you know a successful talk show coming from the south?  Sean Hannity had to move from Atlanta to New York before he realized his fame and fortune.  Glenn Beck may have started in Tampa, Florida before he made it big --- but it took a move to New York City to trigger his growth.  Rush Limbaugh created his talk radio juggernaut and THEN moved to Florida.

Now where does this anti-Southern bias come from?  Well, I can give you at least one example.  It’s a man named Holland Cooke, and he’s a big-time talk radio consultant.  Cooke is one of the guys talk stations will hire to advise them on who they should put in their daily lineup. 

Holland Cooke recently wrote an article for Talker’s Magazine titled “Eight Reasons why Herman Cain Will Click.”   Well now that’s great!  This means that Cooke will be encouraging stations to put Herman in their lineup.  If they do, their listeners will love our Herman. 

But I want you to read Cooke’s column.  Here’s the link.  Know this … Cooke is not one bit fond of me, and he probably has been one of those people pushing the “Boortz is a Southern show” thing to his clients.  At one point in his Cain article Cooke makes a reference to me as Herman’s predecessor.  Here’s the quote:

“And he’ll likely grow that [syndication] list. Like his predecessor, Cain will be based at WSB, Atlanta. But he’s a national figure with national focus, and will sound less-Southern absent familiar Boortz references like “…up in Washington.”

There you go, folks.  Herman is going to grow my syndication (and I hope he does) because he will “sound less-Southern” that I do.  And as we all know, sounding Southern or being from the south is a sure sign of ignorance and a general lack of ability. I mean …. Golly! … I say “up in Washington” on the air!  Can you imagine?  Why in the hell would ANYONE listen to someone who uses phrases like “up in Washington” on the air?  Washington, you see, is actually south of the Mason-Dixon Line, and that surely must mean that any place south of Washington must indeed be so buried in grits and cotton fields that they’ll never see the enlightened way of their superior northern neighbors.  Those folks have outhouses, dogs chained under their front porches, stills in the back yard, and they wear overalls and say “y’all” a lot.  Everybody knows I paint huge numbers on the doors of all my cars, weld them shut, then remove the windows.

You will also note in Cooke’s article he makes a reference to my “dead thugs” comments of last year --- without mentioning that Ed Schultz and MSNBC edited those remarks before playing them on the air.  That’s OK though.  Cooke, you see, and I had a bit of a falling out after the Tucson shooting in which a deranged man shot Congresswoman Gabby Giffords.  Cooke jumped right on the bandwagon by heading to a left-wing website, the Daily-Kos, to write a column and join in blaming talk radio for the violent atmosphere which led to that shooting.  Talk radio was bad, Cooke said, because we used phrases like “death-panels” to refer to parts of ObamaCare, thus putting the “D” word out there.  Amazing. 

And this guy consults talk radio stations?

At any rate --- it’s good to know that Holland Cooke will very likely be promoting Herman Cain to his affiliates.  Just so long as Herman doesn’t say “UP in Washington.”  That one is a sure-fire audience killer.

Oh … by the way … where does Holland Cooke live?   Glad you asked.  Rhode Island, as a matter of fact.  Right smack in the heart of New England, where they’re smart enough to know how stupid we southerners are. 

Do you want a talk radio consultant with a clue?  Try Greg Moceri.  He lives in Grand Rapids, Michigan.  Yes .. that’s up North, but Moceri doesn’t walk around with his head up his ass to escape the cold.